I’ve been silent for a while. Not just through this blog, but also in my life. It seems after my darling daughter was born things took an extreme turn in every aspect of life. But first I want to talk for a second about what has really been plaguing my mind, heart, and soul; postpartum depression.
I’m not clinical so I won’t waste time talking to you all about the chemical imbalance that I’m currently struggling with; instead, I want to talk about how this has affected every aspect of my world and the various stages that I see in myself.
Depression is different for each person, yes some of the symptoms are the same, but the reality is that the individual walks alone through their own journey and their family and friends walk a parallel journey next to the hurting person. I do not want to discredit the family and friends since depression does touch them, it is just in a different capacity.
So let me dive into my personal story and hopefully talking about it while helping launches me forward at least a few inches.
Late April my beautiful baby girl was born, we named her Hailey. The first few days I was utterly in awe and overwhelming tiredness. A toddler and a newborn are a lot to handle!
After about two weeks I went to visit my doctor to test my blood sugar and blood pressure since during the pregnancy my body had a hard time regulating. It was at that appointment that I talked to the doctor about my concern with postpartum depression.
Now, before you start applauding me for actually speaking up — please know that my husband admitted that I talk to the doctor right away. He noticed similar issues I had when Tobias was born, and I never spoke to anyone about my feelings. It was only due to him that I owned up and talked and told the truth for that matter.
I have prescribed medication, and I am not one to typically take medicine, but I had my family to think about. I had found myself unable to care for my children because I was too busy sleeping through their cries and screaming. After giving the medicine a good 48 hours in my system, I started to feel the effects.
To cut this story a tad shorter let’s move out a month.
After taking the meds for a month, the old signs started to rear their ugly head, and I began to find myself completely overwhelmed with life. During all of this I never once had a thought to harm myself or anyone else, so I just kept on with my journey.
Being at home with Hailey was more than I ever got with my son, so I enjoyed the snuggles, and everything else fell to the wayside.
Fast forward to July, and I started back at work. I came back to complete chaos as we had lost our boss and one of my best friends from our company and shortly after another member of our team left. Turnover is expected, but man did this force me back into reality, and the emotions began to overwhelm me once again.
I started to have a cynical look of myself, I lost complete confidence in who I was as a person and in some regards I am still struggling with my faith. It is now the beginning of October, and I am still struggling.
I went to visit with my primary care physician, and she raised concerns about how I viewed myself — especially the description of how I saw myself in the mirror. She changed my prescription and upped the dosage.
That change scared me. I don’t take medicine, and I was hoping to be off of mine as quickly as possible, so instead of making my prescription as directed I never picked it up.
The weights of my world started to rest heavy on my shoulders. Preparing for each day with two kids, going to a job where I struggle with my value and worth, dropping off each kid at a different location and then going home each night after picking up the kids and preparing dinner and prepping for the next day has wiped me out physically, emotionally and mentally. I find myself unable to withstand the thoughts that have crept into my mind.
I can’t do this anymore.
Everyone would be better off without me.
Why is it that I’m the target of so much pain?
I’m not good enough.
Now here is the truth — I know these are lies.
Satan wants me to start feeling sorry about who I am. If I feel bad about myself, then I can’t walk out Gods purpose.
As much as I don’t like medicine, it is there for my benefit. I’m not taking it because my doctor is telling me I should, I am taking it because over the time I have been without it, I have seen myself drift further away from who I am and who God has called me to be.
Each situation I am dealing with yes, is stressful, but the reality is that I am adding more stress than what is necessary.
Money is a problem and each time it comes up the stress of it makes me feel as though I have let my family down. The reality is that I don’t own anything — It is God’s and God will provide.
All of this is a round-a-bout way of saying I am not ok an that is ok. I have admitted my struggles, and now I am seeking help.
If you are struggling, please know you aren’t alone, and you owe it to yourself to seek out help from a loved one, from a friend and yes, even a medical professional.