There are days when things just happen to take me by surprise and then there are days that just throw off my whole world, or so it seems.
When times are tough I tend to live a very structured day. It helps me stay centered and allows me to feel as though I won’t float away. Then something happens and it derails me.
In my mind the train has come off the tracks and about to go over the edge. Some structure and planning is what helps me know it will all be okay.
Some people can just shake off plans changing, others can just adjust and most of the time I can too, but not this time.
My plans were to rely on someone and then they changed. I don’t tend to rely on many people so this really does stop me in my tracks. It makes me feel isolated or rather like I don’t matter enough. The feelings of broken promises and abandonment run ramped through me and I can’t stop all the thoughts that pour into my mind.
As a child, I was lied too quite a bit. It was never on purpose of course, but I didn’t learn that until I was older, but the impact all these broken promises and lies made on me is still evident in my everyday life.
I want to rely on others, but when it isn’t a constant I tend to feel as if I am the failure.
My struggle is deeper than it appears. I have become so use to only relying on myself that I forget to rely on God and I forget to open up about how I feel to my family. This leads to more struggles, more anger and more pain —all from one change in my plans.
Yes, I know to some this may seem crazy, and it isn’t always like this — honest. It just so happens that the season of life I am in with my family is a hard one and so the “small things” end up being the tear that just keeps widening, exposing all the other sensitive areas in my life.
Being aware of my issues is what helps me discover the real reasons as to why I react to things the way I do. It allows me to learn and grown into the woman that I know I am called to be.
After all, you can’t get to where you’re going, unless you know where you have been.